How do you nurture assertiveness in children? Firstly, let us understand assertiveness and its significance.

Assertiveness is a communication skill. Like any other skill it gets better with practice. Generally it gets confused with aggressiveness, but it is different and useful, unlike aggressiveness.

Speaking in this context, communication can be categorized as passive, assertive and aggressive. There is a wide range of communication types between and amongst these major types.

Communication styles, their characteristics and impact

As can be seen from the above image, assertive style is the most effective style of communication. As depicted by the font color, size, content and images, assertiveness scores better always and leaves the involved parties with a pleasant feeling.

Benefits of Assertiveness

Benefits of assertiveness are several. One of them is little or no social anxiety because you are self-aware and expect positive responses. Another one is less chances of being depressed or stressed because by being assertive our needs get fulfilled. This can lift our spirits.

Greater self-esteem is a benefit too – we validate our perspective by expressing them to others and by honoring our own needs. This can make us feel good about ourselves. We can control our own lives rather than let someone else control it, which would be the case if we are passive. Building and maintaining relationships also becomes an easy task for assertive people because they tend to respect each other. They openly express their needs and tend to be elaborate and empathetic.

Meanwhile passive people could get caught up in toxic relationships and get stuck in them due to their submissive nature. They could face and also get impacted by bullying in school, family, workplace, etc. On the other hand, aggressive persons can be really stressful to handle in any relation, whether it be at home or at work.

While some kids are naturally assertive, some are more towards the passive (shy, timid, withdrawn), or aggressive (competitive, coercive, resistant) spectrum. Assertive kids tend to be accommodative, engaging, initiators, collaborative, industrious, integrative, cooperative, and compromising when required. There is always a way to build these qualities in kids as they grow up.

Start nurturing assertiveness in yourself and your kids today!

Sharing a few quick tips here so you can start working with your tiny tot right away.

• Non-verbal traits
  • Eye Contact
  • Boundaries
  • Facial expression
  • Posture and Gestures
  • Vocal tone and quality
  • Listening Skills
• Verbal Traits
  • “I” statement
  • Broken record technique
  • Fogging
  • Saying “no”
  • Few More Tricks
• Qualities to Build
  • Build Self-Awareness
  • Decision Making
  • Social Interactions
  • Teach Relaxation Techniques
  • Practice Gratitude
• Be a Good Role Model

Non-Verbal Traits to Build Assertiveness

Eye Contact

Have friendly eye contact with your kid whenever you speak. If they do not reciprocate, get them to practice proper eye contact. Make sure that they do not avoid eye contact or stare down at people while speaking.

Boundaries

Educate them about physical boundaries like personal space and body. Too close could indicate aggressiveness and too far passivity. Help them identify and maintain the appropriate distance in different kinds of situations. Help them get comfortable and connected with their own emotions so they can understand their own emotional boundaries and that of others. Educate them about sexual boundaries so they know what is and not acceptable. Intellectual boundaries are also equally important – acknowledging and respecting your own and other’s opinions/ values/ beliefs.

Facial expression

Help them identify and express their feelings. This way they will know what facial expression to keep when they feel a certain way and maintain consistency in communication and expression. Get a copy of our book My Emotions to help your little ones understand and identify their emotions.

Posture and Gestures

Teach them how to stand, sit, move confidently and with ease. Correct their posture when they are slouching or not sitting/ standing straight. Introduce them to friendly gestures. Correct them if they are pointing fingers or using similar rude gestures. Help them understand themselves, answer their queries rationally, and help them express. Once they are self-aware they will learn how to be confident too.

Vocal tone and quality

Talk to them in a clear and firm tone, rather than always be too loud or too quiet. They will soon start following you.

Listening Skills

Listening to a counterpart will help them have more information before they can respond or collaborate. This way they can make the right decisions. Also people have more liking for you when you listen to them with respect. Let the other person feel heard. This can nurture empathy in our kids and help them become effective communicators.

Verbal Traits to Build Assertiveness

“I” statement

Help kids use the “I” statement. When you feel a certain way due to some action of theirs, simply tell them how you feel about what they did, and how they could have made you feel different. There is a good chance that they will follow suit next time. If not, when you see them mishandling certain situations, assess whether this strategy can be used and help them use it.

The benefit of this strategy is that you are not blaming or accusing anyone, you are only expressing your own feelings and telling the other person how they could have helped better. For instance, if a group of kids are not letting them join in to play, they could simply say, “I feel sad that I cannot play with you all. It would be great if I could join in too.” There is a good chance that someone in the group will budge.

Broken record technique

Teach them how repeating the same answer multiple times without any change in tone can help sometimes. If they do not want to do something, but are being forced by someone, teach them how they could use this technique. For instance they could use this technique to stop a bully who is challenging them to do something that they do not want to do.

Fogging

This is when you acknowledge what someone else just said, but continue on to express your own feelings or opinion about the situation at hand. For instance, “I understand that you find my drawing childish, but if you teach me a few tips I can do better next time”. In case the child is not even keen about drawing they could just say. ” I understand that you find my drawing childish, but this is not my area of interest and I am not actually good at it”. To tackle a bully who tells them that they are not likeable, they could just say, “I understand that you do not like me, but I don’t really care”.

Saying “no”

Help your child understand boundaries. This will help them in a big way when it comes to safeguarding their own physical, emotional, intellectual and sexual boundaries. Also help them say “no” in a friendly manner when that is what is required. For instance, if a friend wants to play and they are not interested they could say something like, “I really like this game, but right now my leg is hurting a bit. I feel like taking a break and reading a book instead”.

Few More Tricks

If they are preparing for a presentation, seminar or some extra-curricular activity, help them be well prepared and explain how preparation could help. You can give examples from your experience – about how you goofed up your first presentation and then you started doing better once you were more prepared.

Let them know that there is no need to apologize unless they make a mistake. It is ok to state your own needs or speak up for others without feeling unapologetic.

Teach children how to remove themselves from hostile or aggressive environments. They could say something like, “I can see that there is nothing more that I can do here, so let me move on to look into something else”. 

Qualities to Help Build Assertiveness

Build Self-Awareness

Apart from the techniques mentioned above, you could help them understand themselves better – this will help them understand their strengths, weaknesses and they can use this knowledge to carve their path to success. Self-awareness will help them be confident and have better self-esteem and self-respect.

Decision Making & Assertiveness

Let them take initiative and make their own decisions. This could start as soon as they start to play and pick things on their own. On a daily basis let them choose what they want to wear. If they are being too unreasonable, explain why there is a problem. Maybe the weather is too cold and they chose to wear thin clothes. Tell them that they might catch a cold and it would be better to wear thicker clothes.

Social Interactions

Help kids interact with groups of kids or elders. If you are taking them to a new place or to meet with a new group of kids or people, tell them beforehand, so they can be prepared. Depending on how they interact with the group, help them if and when necessary. Make sure that the child is comfortable and not feeling intimidated by you or anyone else. Help your child handle such situations with confidence and ease.

Teach Relaxation Techniques

Help your child relax and calm. Teach them breathing techniques to calm down – breathe in through the nose up to a count of 5, hold for 5 counts and breathe out through slightly open lips up to a count of 5. They could do this several times until they start feeling better. More oxygen in the system will help fix the heart beat rate and also early anxiety.

They could also be taught positive self talk. If they are feeling nervous before a dance performance they could tell themselves, “You are a good dancer and you are going to thoroughly enjoy performing today”. Creating a list of affirmations and saying it to themselves is something else they could do with you. The list could have affirmations like, “I am confident. I am strong and bold. I love myself just the way I am”.

Practice Gratitude

Teach kids the importance of respect and gratitude towards others. This will help them be grateful for what they have, and also like and accept themselves and others just the way they are. They will be able to accept new opinions and beliefs with respect. Get our Thank you book for your little one today and nurture the quality of gratitude in them.

Be a Good Role Model – Build Assertiveness in Yourself First

Most importantly, be their role model. Most of the times, you already are. Children tend to learn most from their parents, teachers and caretakers. They consider them their best role models, even though you might be unaware. So get yourself on the train to appropriate assertiveness levels. Your kids will definitely follow suit. If not, help them. Every human at any stage of life needs assertiveness to lead a happy and fulfilling life. Be your child’s guide in this process of nurturance and growth. Hold their little hands and help them prosper. Maybe our parents never did this for us due to lack of awareness back then. This is your chance to make up for it now!

Happy parenting!