Who do you love more – mom or dad? Is this not a question on attachment that we must have all heard as kids? I definitely did, almost at every social event, when guests visited our home, when we visited someone else’s, etc. It was also one question I dreaded because the response could be fully capable of attracting unnecessary wrath. Still these random people keep asking such questions. The motive is probably to make one of the parents feel bad or simply to get the kids into trouble. Or in extremely rare cases, it might be simply a jovial thing. Still it is sure to touch a nerve in either parent.

Anyway, such questioners definitely ought to be sadists of varying degrees, I must say! Also, I am kind of sure that their kids barely like them in the first place. Who would want sadists in their own home anyway?

Who do you love more – what could be a kid’s answer?

Well, if kids need to handle such nosy questions, all they have to be is diplomatic. They just have to say that they love both the parents equally. The sadist will feel a little bit deterred now. Well, the parents of those kids must be definitely feeling happy. The sadist might do more prodding. Remove your kids from such environments to cause them less stress and embarrassment.

Then there might be some who are trying to pull the parents’ legs. They will sound more jovial while asking such questions. To them, the kids can probably tell the truth after weighing the possible consequences of their utterance. If they anticipate wrath, they’d better go for diplomacy. The joker will be the new joke themselves.

Or yet another option for parents is. Quit feeling embarrassed. Take it as healthy criticism from the child. Once the guests are out of the scene, talk to the child. Understand why the child feels more attached to one parent. See if it is something that one of you can help fix. Then go ahead and work towards it. In this case, you must read ahead. Even otherwise, I am sure it will help you if you read on. 🙂

Well, let’s now consider the case where a kid is asked this question by a counsellor or therapist. This is definitely due to some larger issue. And yes, in this case they should be open, not diplomatic. They better spill the truth, so they can get some real help.

Serious Talk on Attachment

Research on attachment shows that children can form strong emotional bonds with both parents. Still the nature and strength of these attachments can vary depending on several factors, including:

• the amount of time spent together,
• the quality of interactions, and
• cultural expectations.

Early Research and Historical Perspective

Historically, attachment research (much of it pioneered by John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth and Harry Harlow in the mid-20th century) focused primarily on mothers as the main caregivers. Their studies suggested that because mothers often take the primary role in caregiving, children were observed to form a primary attachment to their mother. Their studies mostly centered around attachment with the mother. Nevertheless, it emphasized the fact that attachment is not formed through just feeding (pleasure as emphasized by Freud).

Rather, attachment is formed when the primary caregiver is available and responsive to the baby’s needs. This helps the baby feel secure and safe. Not just that, they even develop trust. This further tends to put them on the right path while developing into adults.

New Research and Parenting Roles

More recent studies reflect changes in societal roles and parenting practices. Fathers are increasingly involved in direct caregiving activities, and research reflects this shift. Studies now indicate that children can become equally attached to both parents, depending on the level of sensitivity and responsiveness that they provide. For example, a meta-analysis by Bretherton (2010) suggests that the quality of the attachment to each parent is influenced more by the time spent interacting in a nurturing way than by the parent’s gender itself. This further reiterates the findings of early research. The only difference now is that dads may also be primary or equal caregivers in today’s scenario.

Factors Influencing Attachment

Parental Sensitivity and Responsiveness:

Children are more likely to develop a secure attachment with a parent who is consistently responsive to their needs, irrespective of whether that parent is the mother or father. Meanwhile as parents we have to ensure that at least one of us is always there for them and have their back. If one is not available or not in the mood, ensure that the other parent is handling the situation well. For instance, if both parents are not responsive the child will have no one to fall back on and it will impact them in a big bad way.

Like we had mentioned in one of our earlier posts on parenting styles, children raised in neglectful environments may experience issues with attachment, low self-esteem, impaired social skills, and academic challenges. They are at a higher risk for substance abuse and other risky behaviors. Additionally, they might struggle with self-control and be unable to follow rules outside the home as well.

Time Spent Together:

The amount of time a parent spends in direct interaction with their child also plays a critical role in attachment formation. Research shows that fathers who spend a significant amount of time caring for and playing with their children can form bonds that are just as strong as those formed by mothers. And spending time with your child does not mean being physically present. You have to be mentally present, be involved with them, listen to their conversations, clear their queries, and actually be with them at the moment.

Cultural Norms and Practices:

Cultural expectations about parenting roles can also influence attachment. In some cultures, mothers are more likely to be primary caregivers and thus the primary attachment figures. In others, fathers play an equally central role in childcare. Though this is starting to change gradually, and dads are taking over in some families, it will take ages for it to be a normal phenomenon.

Considering the fact that most women are also earning these days, the faster this changes, the better. I don’t think we should get women to manage work, house, kids and everything else single-handedly. I seriously feel that they are not any kind of superhumans and the faster the men realize that, the better. Else again, an overloaded mom or dad is the last person that a child would want in their lives. Share the work/ duties and make life better for each other and your entire family.

Conclusion

In conclusion, while historical research focused predominantly on mothers as primary attachment figures, modern studies emphasize that children can form secure attachments to either parent based on factors such as responsiveness, time spent together, and cultural practices. The key takeaway from current research is that the quality of the attachment relationship is more crucial than the parent’s gender.

For more detailed studies, the works of researchers like Michael Lamb and Catherine Tamis-LeMonda provide extensive insights into the roles of both mothers and fathers in attachment theory. Whatever be the case, we parents have to ensure that at least one of us is always there for the child. The moment either parents are not responsive, the child is getting impacted in a big way and this can impact not just their present, but future as well. So be their for your little ones all through.

References

1. John Bowlby – “Attachment and Loss” series. This foundational work, particularly the first volume, “Attachment” (1969), introduces the attachment theory, highlighting the importance of the mother as the primary attachment figure based on early studies.
2. Mary Ainsworth et al. – “Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation” (1978). This book describes Ainsworth’s seminal research, the Strange Situation procedure, which was instrumental in defining different types of attachment behaviors in children, primarily focusing on the mother-child relationship.
3. Michael E. Lamb – Numerous studies and articles on father-child attachment, including “The Role of the Father in Child Development” (2010). Lamb’s work has been crucial in expanding the field of attachment to include fathers, discussing how children can form strong attachments with fathers who are actively involved.
4. Bretherton, I. – “Fathers in Attachment Theory and Research: A Review” (2010). This paper provides a comprehensive review of the research involving fathers in the context of attachment, supporting the idea that children can form secure attachments with either parent based on their interactive and caregiving behaviors.
5. Catherine S. Tamis-LeMonda et al. – “Father Involvement in the Lives of Young Children” in “Handbook of Father Involvement: Multidisciplinary Perspectives” (2002). This chapter discusses the factors that influence father involvement and its impact on attachment and developmental outcomes in children.
6. Everett Waters et al. – “Are there really patterns of attachment? Comment on Fraley and Spieker (2003)” in “Developmental Psychology” (2000). This article discusses variations in attachment patterns and the methodologies to assess attachment security, emphasizing the roles of both parents in attachment assessments.
7. Eriksons Stages of Psychosocial Development

Additional Notes

John Bowlby, a British psychologist, is known for his pioneering work on attachment theory. He emphasized the importance of the bond between infants and their primary caregivers in shaping future relationships and social development. Bowlby’s research highlighted how early interactions with caregivers can impact a child’s emotional well-being and behavior throughout life.

Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian psychologist, expanded on Bowlby’s work by developing the “Strange Situation” experiment to assess attachment styles in children. Through her research, Ainsworth identified different attachment patterns such as secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-anxious/ambivalent, shedding light on how variations in caregiver responsiveness can influence a child’s attachment style.

Harry Harlow, an American psychologist, conducted groundbreaking studies with rhesus monkeys to examine the importance of contact comfort and caregiving in infant development. His experiments demonstrated that physical touch and comfort from a caregiver were crucial for healthy psychological development in primates.

Together, the research of John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Harry Harlow has contributed significantly to our understanding of the role of primary caregivers in shaping attachment bonds and emotional development in children. Their findings have had a lasting impact on psychology and continue to inform practices related to parenting and childcare today.

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